The Death Among Life Today

As the Days Go By (Forever nothing)

2009-04-03T06:37:29Z

Again, it's been a pretty long time since I've wrote anything. I really hate doing it so it's hard to get myself in the mood to think and write stuff. Well, a friend needed help a few days back on an essay and I helped her with that. When I say help here, I mean wrote 3 pages of stuff for her....but whatever, I felt like filling up my good deed quota for a few months in advance. That's what got me kinda clicked into writing something for myself.

Now for the background on the actual writing:

So I have these scattered and broken thoughts of writing a story (not going to happen by the way) and the main focus here is on the main character. There is the whole cliched people have random powers and they are color based and what not. Well, in the main characters case here, again extremely cliched, he is plagued by not just having one set of powers, but two. They aren't powers that could mesh well together for his sake. The powers based on light and darkness; good and evil. That said, this is actually two pieces of writing, but for arguments sake of not basically posting the same crap, it all goes into one here.

Originally I was just going to use the sun rising and setting and various descriptive methods to get the point across of how powerful and polar light/darkness is without any other real similarity. But when I finished the one on darkness and as I was writing the one on light, I wanted them to share the last words "forever nothing" to really drive things home. All that really needs to be said now I guess is that the one on darkness came out to be my darkest and most pessimistic thing I'll ever write, and the one on light is probably the most optimistic thing I'll ever write. Anyways, here they are:

Turn your back o Sun
Allow the blackness to descend
Let hope evaporate,
And give birth to despair
Watch as the terror spreads
Extending it's infectious tendrils
Existence will question itself
Insanity takes control
As the darkness erodes life
All creation becomes forever nothing
_______________________________________________________
Wake up from your slumber Sun
Chase away the darkness
Scatter the rays of wholeness
To pierce deep into the heart of emptiness
Shine brightly over everything;
Set free the blind
Wrap around the arms of warmth
And replace the chains of numbness
In the redemption of light
All impurity becomes forever nothing

Reflections

2008-11-11T05:36:33Z

Out of nowhere, it is done. I have been trying to force a new piece of writing out of me for the past few days. It has not been easy. My mood and life I feel is really dark and empty as of now. I am back to my current state of being distant and cold. I just wanted to express in writing how I feel right now. Nothing special and no, it's not a cry for attention or me being emo despite how pessimistic it is. Anyways, as the title says, it's called Reflections as I feel it sums up quite well the meaning of what I wanted to get across. Well, here it is:

Why is this happening?
Did I take to the skies too soon?
Was I ever meant to fly?

Warning, the captain is gone
I have lost faith in my abilities
I no longer have control of this plane

I am haunted by my mistakes
Held down in fear that I my fail again
I no longer trust in my strength

Have I lost sight of the objective?
Was there ever a real goal to obtain?
Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

My dreams will never become reality
It is too selfish for me to wish they would
They are only signs of my weakness

I no longer see the others with me
They have all gone on ahead
I have fallen behind

Is this reaching anyone out there?
Am I alone here to meet my fate?
Is this really all there is to my life?

Everything is spiraling out
It is only a matter of time now
Before everything comes crashing down

I was never meant to succeed
The shadows of the past
Only create reflections of tomorrow

Absolution

2008-08-06T18:33:12Z

Wow, it's been more then a year since I last posted anything. Apparently 55 weeks according to this site. So much has happened since last time I wrote anything. Senior year at high school has already come and past. I'm graduated as well as my friends, and now they are all off to college and leaving soon as summer winds down to its last leg. I apologize to anyone who actually read my writing and is/was disappointed that I stopped writing. I became busy I guess with school and was left more or less uninspired to write anything at all and thus, everything feel apart.

Well the past few days, maybe even a week if we indulge, I've had a single word floating around in my head. I don't know how the word got in my head as no one says it and I have even less of a clue why the word was stuck in my head for so long. All I know now is that because that single word stuck in my head I have wrote something new and am finally posting here again. I'm not sure if I will be writing regularly again or not, but rest assured that whenever I write something new, I'll be quick to post it here.

With all that said I'll quit rambling and just tell you what the word is. The word that was stuck in my head was absolution(you probably already figured that out because its the title of this post) and to save you the effort of looking up what it means it is to be free of blame or guilt.

Here is my latest piece of writing titled Absolution:

The light of dawn invades the horizon
Shaking off the darkness of yesterday

The sense of a new beginning
Overshadows the fear of what is to come

The thought of redemption
Brings serenity to the restless soul

The feeling of love
Calms the troubled heart

Clarity comes to perspective
As the haze and fog disappear

All life awakens to a new day
With the hope of a brighter future

We learn from the lessons of past mistakes
In order to forge a better version of ourselves

The Heart of a Phoenix

2007-07-12T18:44:10Z

There was once a time when everything felt right
When words were kind, and voices were soft
When we knew what joy was, before our hearts knew rage
When strength was found in the embrace of a friend

But now strength rises up from the wells of vengeance
To strike down those that once held us in loves quiet embrace
For the knives they put in our backs
For the arrows they shot in our hearts

Well I've seen what the world demands
And I've given all that I have to give
But it just simply wasn't good enough
And now I've burned myself to ashes

I can feel my broken form being reborn
The strength of yore returning to my feeble body
My mind has been re-sharpened to pierce deep into others
The beauty of my youth has replaced the damage of corruption

Take heed world, I have returned
Behold, I have been made new
Brought back to bring hope and strength to the oppressed
And yet, I wish not to be revived

Let me stay dead in my flaws
My sins against these people are far to grievous
Why must I force myself to rise up and defy the laws of common sense?
Why should I stand when I've already killed myself?

Could my stance really bring someone hope in the darkest hours of despair?
Could this truly be a rebirth, a discarding of my former infection?
Could I really arise from my ashes, or will I fall back to dust?
Can I really trust in myself?

I don't know what to believe
I don't know what to do....

Song of the Week 7-8-07

2007-07-08T18:48:43Z

So umm, yeah, I can't think of anything else to put for this besides the lyrics, oh well. This song is called Cold by a Crossfade:

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold

To you I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

Fun stuff, heres the music vid to it:

no, theres no relationship to the song title and my mood btw :)

Song of the Week 7-1-07

2007-07-01T21:32:35Z

Okay, so I was debating on posting a song of the week that was relevant to my own life and current-ish times, or something more or less relevant to the 4th of July, I chose the latter. So this is another song by Demon Hunter, it's called The Soldier's Song. I chose the song because even though its not exactly about the independence of our country, it is about the soldiers that fight and risk their lives so that we can be independent and fight for our freedom. Let us never forget their valiance and sacrifice. And here's the lyrics:

Through the clouds of fallen ash,
A lonely mother’s cry
Among the fields of broken glass
The loyal few will arise
Faith now regained
Finding strength within the void,
A raging fire ignites
A spark of ever-burning power
And conviction to fight
Pride be your name
They will spit upon the honor that
You guard with your life
And run to hide in selfish fear
When threat of death is in sight
Lay down your shame

Armed with resistance and blind to the cost
They say your purpose is mindless and lost
But we don’t adhere to the slander they spill
We mourn with your losses and stand by your will

These tears we spill
They haunt us still
The cries of the weak lie quiet in sleep
Beneath our feet

We are the sons of holy wrath,
A shining light in the dark
The ones who walk amongst despair,
No sign of fear in our hearts
Stand in death’s way
Shut out the voice of mindlessness,
Open your eyes to the truth
Believe the words that stand the test
And not the slurs of the youth
You’re not what they say

Turn over the tables and watch them run
You’ll be the weapon they can’t outgun

I don't really care if you don't like death metal or not, you should still watch this vid set to The Soldiers Song, even if you mute the volume, however it is much better with the volume all the way up ;).

For Those Who Ever Loved

2007-06-25T20:40:58Z

Ok, I lied, its in poem form. I didn't plan on it in the beginning, it just happened, bite me.

So now everything begins to fall into place
The thoughts that once brought bliss and serenity to the otherwise paranoid,
Have crystallized and dropped deep to turn my stomach sour
With the breakdown of the bonds,
The infection spreads to numb the warmth from within.
As the numbness sets in control and lacing its care-free tendrils throughout my being,
Discontent comes within my mind.

Insanity begins to bring outs its horrible hallucinations of things that don't make any sense,
And never really existed, creating anticipation of reality and optimism.
Anticipation creating an uneasy eagerness of things that will most likely never happen,
Which causes sorrow for the good day of tomorrow is only an illusion.
Sorrow grips with an untimely pain, Which creates insomnia.
Insomnia deprives the mind of its glorious rest,
Which causes paranoia of the ever present despair to settle its ugly head in.
Paranoia breeds an appreciation of all that is good,
And it causes me to have mercy and compassion

Then love begins to encroach upon my soul,
Sending ripples throughout my body.
The ripples distorting the past in hope of a brighter future,
Which hides the hate deep within.
With hatred hidden, clarity comes to heart and soul.
As all things come under the lens of clarity,
The mind begins to awaken and focus.
Focus makes the little things matter
Which forces the hatred to spring from hiding and creates order
And so the process repeats itself

Song of the Week 6-24-07

2007-06-25T01:33:47Z

Before I go into what the song of the week is, I want to say I have some new writing in the works right now. I'm still kicking around titles for it, the two leading titles for it are "For Those Who Ever Loved" or, "And so the Process Repeats Itself". This won't be in the standard poem style that I've been using as of late, but it's still just as scatter-brained ;-).

Anyways, with all that out of the way, on for the song of the week. The song that I have chosen for this particular week is "One Thousand Apologies" by Demon Hunter. Right now I'm at more of a showdown with who I am fighting to become vs. who I was, and and coming to the point where I think its time to apologize for my mistakes and wrong doings to the people closest to me. So this song really sets well with the apologizing for all the terrible things that I've done. I think it illustrates my whole deal with a certain someone whom I lost because of selfish pig headed desires.

There you stood in disbelief,
Trying all you could to see through these lies
And every word that I could breathe,
Would you find more inclined to leave, but I tried
And knowing what I’ve done to you,
With every thought you suffer through
My heart as black as evil can
And everything I could have been,
Erased by what I wanted then
I couldn’t think a lesser man

All the delicate ways
That I deepened our graves
My apology pales

Oh, the pain in your eyes
My regrets have never known such sorrow
Oh, the shame that you hide
Resolutions are the same tomorrow

So now I reap what I have sewn,
And any rapture I had shown has bled dry
And I walked the streets alone,
Accepting pain I’d never known, as you died
Then I hurt myself to see it too,
To feel the knife I put in you
My heart as broken as my ways
I never should have let it pass,
This fall was never meant to last
The reason gone and damage stays

Song of the week 6-17-07

2007-06-17T17:53:57Z

Because I won't be on at all this week, I feel the need to update the song of the week a little early. So this song has been stuck in my head for a while now so yeah, it works for song of the week. I'm usually not a big fan of 12 Stones, because the music can tend to be pretty bland, but they've been gone for a few years and the new stuff seems to be a huge improvement from the old. Anyways the song of the week is Lie to Me by 12 Stones:

Our candle burns away, the ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're fallen again
You're no superhero
I've found in the end
So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?
No where to run
And no where to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Why'd you have to up and run away?
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you
Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

I'm sure a lot of people could sing that song to me and be pretty accurate....

Song of the week 6-11-07

2007-06-12T01:52:39Z

Okay, so I figured I might as well start up my "song of the week" tradition on here, so here is goes. I don't know, I'm feeling borderline emo-ish right now/this week, I think I'll choose the song "Everything You Ever Wanted" by Hawk Nelson. This is a pretty emotional song that I can totally relate to. It's kind of sad really.....

I walk the line, leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Let's go back in time when I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting

It took the seasons going by
To know it's not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be anything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

It's been so long since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer, wishing you were there
I'm still waiting

You told me once you'd show up
But I fell for that before, I fell to pieces
Then I woke up to no one
Just a picture of Jesus and a house left in pieces

It took the seasons going by
To know it's not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be anything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I want you, I need you
I want to believe you

The Pounding of the War Drum

2007-06-05T20:54:14Z

I don't know, I took a bit more time on this one (like 3 days), but I still don't feel all that great about it. I still think that it's not that good, or not as good as I had thought/hoped it would be. Kinda repetitive but oh well, I tried

As the gray clouds and heavy fog begin to lift,
The blood red sky begins to cast an eerie glow
Upon this nightmarish wasteland.

The pain of the march, the thrill of the hunt

The pounding of the war drum
Guides us into hell
Guides us into glory

The pounding of the war drum
Echoes in our minds
Echoes in our souls

The pounding of the war drum
Blasts us into dust
Blasts us into action

The pounding of the war drum
Rattles the bones of the living
Rattles the bones of the dead

The pounding of the war drum
Drives us to our death
Drives us to our victory

The pounding of the war drum
Demands fear
Demands compliancy

The pounding of the war drum
Brings out our worst
Brings out our best

The pounding of the war drum
Infects our bodies
Infects our minds

The pounding of the war drum
Decays our enemies
Decays our lives

The pounding of the war drum
Divides our society
Divides our homes

The pounding of the war drum
Cuts down our pride
Cuts down our love

The pounding of the war drum
Clouds our logic
Clouds our judgment

The pounding of the war drum
Shatters the opposition
Shatters the children

The pounding of the war drum
Brought me to the top
Brought me to the edge

The great jump before me, the great fall to follow

With the masses standing here and the distant horizon in view
The choice is laid before us all
Turn our back on the war drum, or make the jump over the edge

Transfer

2007-06-02T01:04:22Z

So yeah, below are the two main things from myspace that I decided to save and bring over here. The other stuff (like the story) was either scrapped projects, or just plain out crappy or irrelevant to life, or me, idk which. Plus some of it I just want to forgot was wrote and hope everyone forgot that I wrote them.

The beauty of brokenness

2007-06-02T00:57:35Z

In the clouds of despair
I can see clearly
The form that I once held
Now shattered on desecrated ground

Heart shredded
Brain obliterated
Soul devastated
Body decimated

And as this void lays silent
Struck down
Torn apart
Distorted

No longer is the voice coherent
Confusion spoken
Vain logic
Broken

The burning darkness falls on me
Fear rising
Inferno starting
Damned

Then it happens, the will breaks
Knowledge vanquished
Strength crushed
Numbness

Only the ashes of death remain
Smoldering flesh
Rotting soul
Deception

Like the Phoenix, I shall rise
The ashes will mix with the rain of mercy
Restructuring my being
Reborn

The blood of new life begins to flow
The muscle repaired
The senses revived
Rewired

The soul absorbs the warmth of love
Remembering the joy of life
The stone gives way to flesh
Rapture

I had plateaued, unable to move on
My limits reached
Unable to surpass
I guess the only way to grow was to be broken

A rather long look at myself and the world

2007-06-02T00:56:14Z

So many things
So little time
With necks as worms we travel through life at breakneck speeds
With disregard to what matters most
We move on

We fight for the rights of the needy
Just to neglect them and watch them wither
With our hearts removed in place of batteries
We preach love and peace

So now a choice is brought before us
Our independent lives
Or conformity for the sake popularity
When all is said and done
We're screwed either way

I've heard the water levels are rising
I've heard that it's because of global warming
But I think the truth is this:
The simple cause is our tears
Our tears have become an endless waterfall of sorrow

If only strength could be found in mistakes
Then I'd be the strongest man alive
If there really is such a thing as hope
Then where were you when I needed you most

Failure is my name
Treason is my game

With my newly energized mind
And my neck fractured beyond repair
The virus has taken over
And it demands obedience

The price is far too unreasonable
With obedience, comes death
The severance of all things loved
My life has been left desolate by my own choice

And yet I cry out
Albeit to the deaf
And those who can hear my words of agony
Are too proud to reach down and help
For I am only a monkey
Or at least that's what they tell me

Oh God, please send down Your voice of thunder
There must be more to this broken thing called me

The plans have been made
The grave has been dug...

My lunges have been forever burned with the air of rage
My eyes forever stained with images of vengeance
My soul torn with neglect
My body shredded by the shards of depravity

Oh, what I would give to undo it all
To re-wire this broken machine
To change the past to make things better
But instead I am now damned with infection

And even in victory
I would lay defeated
For the scars shall never fade
A constant reminder they shall always be

Who is to blame?
The masses of those who have fallen victim to the virus,
Or perhaps a faulty spirit?

The defenses were in place
Flawless in their majestic splendor
The problem came with a miscalculation
The error brought with free will

"I can't stop bleeding
I'm depleting on my own"

Ummmmm yeah.......

2007-06-01T01:23:19Z

I don't know what the flippin a' I'm doing with this thing. grrrr.....